Me: “Things are already difficult without all of us treating each other badly on top of that.”
Interviewer: “But that’s human nature mate. Isn’t the big picture more important than individuals?”
Me: I didn’t have any choice on this one, because the day before they had specified a situation in which a girl had to be left behind on tour so that the tour could continue. “Yes but…” In reality, NO! NO! NO! and a thousand times no. The big picture is not bigger than the individual because the big picture is made up of individuals. If one person suffers and ten are cruising, that one person’s suffering doesn’t just disappear because he’s outvoted. He’s still a person with feelings. In hindsight I’m furious I didn’t say this, but my little idiosyncratic views probably dug my grave somewhere else along the line.
Interviewer: “Have you read our brochure?”
Me: “No.” It simply hadn’t occurred to me; I really am that simple-minded in a real-world sense. I think I glanced at their website three months ago but that was three months ago. My brother later said, “Why didn’t you just say yes? You’re an inconvenient truther, and not in an Al Gore kind of way.”
Me: “I see eye-to-eye with a wide variety of people. I can talk about books with the quieter ones and I can talk about footy or soccer or whatever to more… (pause) simplistic people. (Another pause.) I didn’t mean for that to sound condescending. That’s just a fact. Some people think very deeply about things and some are happy with what they see in front of them, (gestures to the air) right here. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”
Interviewer: “So are you a here and now person?”
Me: (Thinks) “Yes.”
Me: “Most people think intelligence is about making things more complicated. I think real intelligence is about using your intelligence to make things more simple. As simple as you can, without throwing the baby out with the bathwater.”
Interviewer: “So you think academics make things more complicated, just to make themselves look more intelligent?”
Me: My contempt for academia is complete, so I answered without hesitation. “Yes.”
Interviewer: (Smiles) “I’d have to agree with you on that.”
Interviewer: “How would your friends describe you?”
Me: “They would probably say that I have a lot of kindness. And they would probably say that they’re not sure where I’m coming from at times.” Whoops. At least I know where I’m coming from.
Me: “There’s only so much you can say in interviews.” I actually said that. As in, if you talk too much and give too much of yourself away you’re dead. Much like wooing a female, really.
Those were the highlights but I was sharp and engaging, it went better than it looks on paper (um, on screen?).
My private verdict: I reckon I’d be an awesome tour guide. I speak four European languages, I would smile and give a shit about each and every person under my charge, I’m fun and laugh and play sports and dance and all that, I speak well and I know heaps of shit about heaps of shit. And, I have an American passport so I would be free to work for their problematic American tours. What the hell else could they possibly want?
Their verdict: No. Sixty other people were better than me.
Post-verdict: Is it a given to feel bitter against the person/place/entity that rejects you? Or am I being mean-spirited? Fuck you Contiki, you den of rip-off tours for drunken pisshead fuckwits. And fuck you Europe, you pretentious lot of holier-than-thou hypocrites. You spent 3,000 years fighting each other and 500 years fucking the globe up (America’s only been doing it for 60, and they’re the assholes? How did Spain and France get off scot free?) and now you have the nerve to turn around and tell us what to do because you’re now too weak and tired to do anything yourselves? All that’s left for you is to be reverse-colonised by the immigrant descendants of the very countries you once colonised. Your day is done.