Stream of consciousness

The months fly by, and every time I check it is a different one, but I’ve lost my dread that they pass, that time goes by. It simply happens. I chose emotional over political a while ago and held fast to it, but every so often I reacted badly to people who choose the opposite. I think about hurt, but don’t wonder if anyone else feels it too because it’s outside my ability to see things through other people’s eyes. I wonder if it’s more important to be kind to people or to get shit done, because in reality there are very few people who do either thing, so they are probably as important as each other and no more. I would like to be the former and sometimes to often I am.

I believe that I am being consumed by negativity. I no longer think about what things mean but simply react to them with anger. I drop angry comments without stopping to ask myself the consequences and occasionally I am too fragile to verify the result of them. I have a weird relationship with the human race, in which I often feel oddly tender moments of love for the individual that I’m speaking to but when I think of people in an abstract sense I feel afraid of them and disgusted by them. I question whether I’ll have a close relationship with anyone now that I’m no longer early-twenties stock, because we stop meeting people and getting to know them for the sake of it after a certain age: once we are above twenty-whatever we need to know them for a reason. Once I get married it will no longer be legit to have female companions, but it doesn’t matter a whole lot to me. I might get married in the next two years; I know a girl with whom I would like to shut out the world and just be with her, lately I’ve become more convinced, and for the moment I trust that she would like me around. She says so.

The phone just rang right now and I reacted with irritation, like I do with every minor and unexpected interruption. When did I become this way? When did it reach the stage where anger and irritation is my automatic reaction? And was I afraid? I don’t know, did everything relate to that, that thing from the past? I drive my car, and her. I eat my lunch, and there she is, always there in my mind. But new things should be entering my head, I should let them if they don’t, because once a person stops being open to newness he is finished, absolutely. And yet three point something years later, there she still was. I never really got over the sadness of that sudden about-face rejection from her, the anger that it later developed into. And after her there were not many pieces left to pick up so that I could try again, because I had given away my most passionate love and I couldn’t find much more to give to anyone else. But there were different kinds of love, and some: while not as self-consuming, weren’t lesser but simply different.

The tennis is here, the tennis will go. Today’s ephemeral time-killers will become tomorrow’s why-did-I-care-about-that-little-piece-of-unimportant-trivia. I started work at a restaurant two and a half months ago, and it keeps me level but I achieve nothing with my days, for the moment and perhaps forever. I want money but I don’t want to own anything, but even more confusingly I don’t want to suffer from the same afflictions that the others who own nothing suffer. Sometimes it is wilful simplicity and sometimes it is genuine simplicity, and sometimes it is wilful ignorance and sometimes it is just lazy ignorance. I might be broken but I suspect that everyone is broken in some way; if you do not fulfil certain dreams it hurts, and too much. I have time but not so much; perhaps that’s the best way to be. People say that we need a sense of urgency to achieve something today. I don’t care if what they have to say is new as long as how they say it is new. I feel pity and contempt at the same time, and at the same time love and fear and is that hatred, all at once? Or is hatred too strong a word for something so capricious?

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13 thoughts on “Stream of consciousness

  1. I love your line here. “I have a weird relationship with the human race, in which I often feel oddly tender moments of love for the individual that I’m speaking to but when I think of people in an abstract sense I feel afraid of them and disgusted by them.”

    I can really relate to that.

    I love this line too. “Once I get married it will no longer be legit to have female companions, but it doesn’t matter a whole lot to me. I might get married in the next two years; I know a girl with whom I would like to shut out the world and just be with her, lately I’ve become more convinced, and for the moment I trust that she would like me around. She says so.”

    That’s very romantic. I wish my husband thought the same way you do. I don’t think all contact with the opposite gender (or same gender if someone is gay) should be cut off. But I like the idea of not needing/wanting outside friendships of that gender.

  2. Hi Dina! It’s a nice idea to be able to make friends all over the shop and from both genders, but it seems to me that none of the friendships with the opposite gender can be permitted to become very emotional, because if the emotion of that friendship becomes greater than the emotion of my (hypothetical) marriage… well I don’t have to spell out the rest, it would be very dangerous, the marriage would be in danger.

    Not that I’ve been married or anything. I sometimes wonder about the institution of marriage; it seems like so much gets shut out of married life, in that it would be hard to bring new things into one’s life after marriage. But with the right person I’m sure it’s a beautiful thing.

  3. I’ve kind of stopped blogging and have cut back commenting, but I’m still reading everyones stuff. Can’t help but comment here.

    Very very cool post here Marty. I can relate in a way. I’m 22 and am starting to freak out about getting older. All the little things I said I wouldn’t become are slowly becoming, and I want to do anything I can to avoid the other things occurring. I see a very negative mother who is overly stressed by things that simply DO NOT MATTER, and I can see myself slowly becoming that. Sleepless nights thinking about useless shit.

    And the money thing! I don’t want jack all, the only things I want are useful things for my hobbies. I don’t want a boat, I love cars but am happy with my 6 year old commodore coz it works perfect. I’ve been sucked into thinking my career is important and valuable if it gives me a large income. But it’s empty as fuck isn’t it? I graduate at the end of the year and a coworker asked me today what exactly I will do in my career, and I didn’t speak about it with very much excitemnet or interest. Because It pretty much doesn’t interest me. I got sucked in! Silly. lol, i’m rambling now.

  4. I can empathize to a degree; mind you, I’m just leaving a cloud of VCE angst and entering a daunting cloud of university.

  5. Good to see you around TDW. Oh my God, don’t get me started on mothers schizing about insignificant crap that doesn’t matter.

    I don’t think careers are empty things necessarily (although I’m not an authority on careers, believe me). One unfortunate thing about careers is that what we do with our time is what we are judged on whenever we meet people for the first time, more than how well we talk or how smart we are or even how attractive we are. So it might as well be something that sounds impressive to people, even though hopefully we don’t meet people who are so shallow.

    I don’t know; we gotta do something with our time and we might as well get paid well for it if we can. It could be a tad empty I spose, just a way of killing time perhaps, that is a worry, but it’s better doing what you studied for for good money than doing menial shit for peanuts. As for possessions: I like to think that if someone has a decent personality they will end up with a partner who also has a decent personality and who doesn’t feel an incessant need to always buy new things when the old ones work fine. Depends on who our friends are and how much we give a shit about impressing them!

    It’s not like I know you in real life, but perhaps you’re being a bit hard on yourself.

  6. Reuben – You’ve got plenty of time to develop theories and then toss them for new ones six months later asking yourself, “What was I thinking?” ;o)

  7. I used to hate my phone for such a long time, and I can understand being disenchanted with humanity, feeling sorry for them because they have their own problems that hurt them, yet being so annoyed by their stupidity or ignorance or something.

    You have plenty of time, but maybe you might even be trying to find reason to fail? Some of the best of us self sabotage our own efforts because we are actual afraid of success and what that would mean.

  8. That’s true, and something I will have to avoid/get over in the future. Sometimes it’s easy to be afraid of success, you’re right. There’s time, but not so much time to throw away any more. Not that I ever like the idea of wasting time, but we all veg out at one stage or another.

    Let’s face it, we only have until we’re married with kids to achieve most of the (non-relationship-based) dreams, and only until we’re forty at the latest to get married, so the clock is always ticking in some way. Even TDW feels it at age 22 (see above). :o)

  9. Strange thing is when I was younger I never understood why people cared about getting older, and especially didn’t understand why they lied about their age. We all age at the same rate, there will always be 16 year olds – we just have to remember we were 16 once as well and get the same amount of time as everyone else.

    I am a bit over what I was saying the other day.

  10. No. I caught myself spouting out the same old crap, when suddenly I realised I had a smile on my face (when I said “Silly. lol, i’m rambling now.”). I don’t even really feel that way anymore! Old habits of whining I suppose. I couldn’t be happier these days (although some regular sex would be delicious).

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